At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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