what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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