I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
