I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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