I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
