in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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