I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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