Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
