Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
