I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
where am i from again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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