I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
