Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
