omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
