just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
