ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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