Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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