apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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