Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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