Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
