So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
