Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
