if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
