i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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