I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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