I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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