I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
