Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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