I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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