im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who died my cat blue again?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
