News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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