Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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