Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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