Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
