apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
