took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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