Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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