I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
