Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
