sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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