Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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