Acid is not a monday night drug
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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