I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
