uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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