My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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