saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When are your genitals available?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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