My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
