I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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