I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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