you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he thought i was a dude.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Randomize