God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
