I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
