bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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