My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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