Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
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open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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