if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
