im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
