I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
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High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies