And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony